De-fine Grace

Here in your Presence

2011-11-29T22:08:00.001-08:00

I am blessed. I am Cherished. I am loved. I am overwhelmed. I am touched and changed.

Confucius said wherever you go, go with all your heart. Now I am not going in any physical direction but I am going in a spiritual one. There is something about really learning who my father is that is changing my heart. All I want to be is consumed by the fire in his heart. All I want is to burn like the brightest light so people will know that he is a living God, and he lives in all of us. Here there is no Greek or Jew, Circumcised or uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian,slave or free, but Christ is all and is in all. Colossians 3:11
This verse gave me such revelation, it made me see that I was selfish for thinking that God really is only for me. That he only loved the people that were really looking for him. That I was a lone wolf in my faith so therefore I could walk out my life however I wanted. That my faith is not to be shared, because I am never going to change anyone's mind anyways. This is so untrue. When people said to me, "Oh well that's for you Lyndsay not for me" I just accepted it and was not at all sad by their position. Ever since I read this verse my heart has been slowly but surely radicalized. Now I am not about to go all Evangelistic on every single person that I see on the street but I am going to see them as a child of God. Knowing that God loves them just as much as he loves me. I do not know why this revelation did not come upon me sooner but it has and it has changed my heart so much.
God wants everyone to come to him, he wants us all to choose to love him. It does not matter who we are or what we have done, through Christ we have been made perfect. 1 Peter 4:8 Above all love each other deeply, because love covers a multitude of sins. There is nothing that love cannot accomplish, that it can not concur. Whether it be through loving each other here on earth or just accepting the love of God in our lives and knowing that we are worthy of all his love.

I do not know what the future holds for me all I know is "being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. Philippians 1:6. I am confident that the Lord has started a good work in me, that he wants me to love him and trust him. That he wants me to do his work. Knowing is one thing that God has some amazing plan for my life but what the amazing thing is, is that my heart burns my feet burn to do his bidding to find out what he wants me to do with my life.
There is a long road a head of me, there is going to be a lot of prayer, a lot of trusting God, a lot of just jumping off the end and falling. I love the fall, I never though I would but with God all things are possible. I just want more, and whats awing is that there is ALWAYS more, there is an infinite amount of love, and Jesus to fill me up for the rest of my life.

I will finish with the lyrics of this song I am listening to its lovely
I will Exalt you- Amanda Falk Bethel Music

Your Presence is all I need
It’s all I want, all I seek
Without it, without it there’s no meaning
Your Presence is the air I breathe
The song I sing, the love I need
Without it, without it I’m not living

My Dream last night!

2011-02-09T20:49:00.000-08:00

Hello all, so I just want to say that this is going to be an intense blog, at least for me. It is like nothing anything I have ever written before.

So here it goes.

I remember being at the mall, and I had finished doing whatever it was that I was doing so I walked outside to leave. As I was walking outside it started to rain, first lightly then gradually it got so heavy until sleet was coming down on me. I remember thinking of the mail man thing...through rain and sleet... As I was running to my car I guess I dropped my keys and did not notice. So all of a sudden there was a guy yelling at me so I turned and I guess I had dropped my keys and he noticed so he gave them back to me. I thanked him and he asked me if I wanted to come with him back inside that he needed to buy a toothbrush. I was thinking in my head ummm okay it should be fine its all the mall. So we walk up to this black metal door and he knocks on it and there is this big guy standing at the door to let us in. There were black metal stairs in what looked like an older brick building. I new I should have st oped and left right then but we continued on. We walked down these stairs then up into what looked like an apartment building...I was thinking why he would be looking for a toothbrush in an apartment. We walked up to this door and he knocked. It was opened by some indi looking dude and so we went in. As we entered there were two girls and one other guy. They were playing some card game that i'm pretty sure was made up in my head lol. I was just sitting there feeling really uncomfortable, I dont know what these guys looked like thinking about it now, I remember the girls being very pretty though. one was lounging on the bed with one of the guys and the other girl was playing this card game. Soon enough she was showing me how to play the game... It involved stacking piles and then spreading the cards to look like a flower of something, I accidentally flipped one of the cards over and noticed it was a picture of the girl sitting on the bed. As i turned more over I noticed how they were all black and white pictures of people and placed. I asked her if she was a photographer and she said she was, the next thing I remember I was listing to some music and feeling comfortable and slightly alone when this guy comes up behind me and I did not notice until the headphones were ripped from my ear and this guy was forcing himself on me. I was scared so I tried to get his hands off me I think I pushed him off me and I woke up. I was breathing so hard and so freaked out when i woke up and the feeling was with me for a while today.

So my cousin wesley came over for dinner tonight and I told him about this dream and how i totally believe that dreams have a meaning but I had no clue what such a freaky dream could possibly mean. He told me how he was asking god to tell interpret the dream while I was telling it to him and this is what he told me. That it was about discernment and focus. Which makes a lot of sense to me at the place I am at in my life. I was on a hard and cold path to my car so I could come home and be safe when some hottie was nice to me. And instead of saying no I can stay in the cold just a little bit longer I decided to go into a situation with someone who I did not know. Even in my dream I new that this was not the best thing, that it was not a smart idea, but I kept on thinking that it would be easy and fun. When I met these new people I was really worried and confused but once I was there for a while I felt okay and that they were normal people when all of a sudden out of nowhere I get assaulted. It was so shocking to me, even in my dream I was almost not even scared just confused and blown away that something like this would happen to me.

Now I dont think that the moral is that if you hang out with random people you will get raped i just mean that I have to make better choices. That I have to keep my eye on the ball, that something that may seem safe then can be harmful if I dont think the whole situation through. I think this has to do with men and school for me right now. I want to have all these things but I want the path to be easy I want to feel happy and like I am accomplishing something in the mist of everyday life. I dont know how many times I have said this but I truly feel like I live my life under this banner of avoidance and its freaky soo freaky. I hate that I do this to myself but I dont know how to not do this to myself. I dont have much enlightenment to take from this blog but I feel like I needed to get this out. Right I think that is all for now. More soon I am sure. <3

Lift your Voice

2011-01-25T23:02:00.000-08:00

It has been way to long, almost a year. I cant believe it. Wow. Anyways I'm over it.

These two songs by starfield have been in my head for the last while and I just love them so I want to share the lyrics with you and explain why they are so powerful to me right now.

No Other Saviour.

Lord of every age
Author of our faith
The first the last the same
The name above all names
Crowned in majesty
Glorious Prince of Peace
Throne of God's right hand
The world at his command
The world at his command

Jesus lamb of God
How great You are
There is no other Savior
Every knee bows down
At your renown
There is no other Savior

Merciful High priest
Lover of the least
Generous and meek
Protector of the weak
Sacrificed to death
For us, Your final battle
Your died, the world to save
To overcome the grave
To overcome the grave

Jesus lamb of God
How great You are
There is no other Savior
Every knee bows down
At your renown
There is no other Savior

You will reign forever
You reign forever
You will reign forever
You reign forever
You will reign forever
You reign forever
You will reign forever
You reign forever

Jesus lamb of God
How great You are
There is no other Savior
Every knee bows down
At your renown
There is no other Savior

Jesus lamb of God
How great You are
There is no other savior
Every knee bows down
At your renown
There is no other savior

First of all If you listen to the song the sound of it is just sooo sick. I love the retro keyboard kind of thing going on, it makes me feel like im floating when I listen to it, which was what drew me to it in the first place. Upon listing to the lyrics I felt like I could feel the conviction in their voices.
I feel like so much of the time we don't give credit where credit is due. God created us, he made everything and everyone. That is no small feat. I mean like everything??!! I cant even wrap my mind around it. In the summer time when I come home late at night and I get out of my car to walk into my house if it is perfectly clear outside the stars are the most beautiful thing to me. I was never one of those kids that wanted to go to the moon or outer space because I though that was just silly going out into all that! No way I like it down here on earth where there is gravity. However thinking about it now, the earth must look like the most beautiful thing in all creation from out there. I would think you really realize how small you are surrounded by all that SPACE! And God created it, for his purpose and I think a lot of the time because we cant understand the big picture or God we almost tend to ignore his obvious majesty.
In our society we are so individual we think that we can do everything by ourselves and yea we pretty much can. However, I was at a friends wedding and they said knowing God is the difference between having a good life and a GREAT one.
This song almost seems like an obvious song. You know like ummm yea Lyndsay we know that there is no other saviour! And yea we know there is no other saviour but how long does it take for us to know accept and understand there is truly only one saviour. I know that its hard thinking that I cant save myself..which ties into the other song that I have picked.

I need A Father

Hold me somebody
Don't let me be alone
Love me, stay with me
I am dying to be known
My heart cries out

I need a Father
Whose love will never fail me
A friend like no other
Whose trusted arms will hold me
I need a Father

I am wounded
But I tuck the pain away
Free me, heal me
I don't want to be afraid
My heart cries out

Here's my heart
Be tender, please
Let me know your love for me
Here's my heart
I'm on my knees
I will trust
'Cause I believe

You are my Father
Your love will never fail me
A friend like no other
Your trusted arms will hold me
You are my Father

I went out for dinner a few weeks ago with some friends and my Friend Chelsi asked what we missed about being in a Relationship...She said free touching haha i just have to say that because its so funny. Anyways she asked me and now I have never been in a relationship...because what I had I could not define, and still to this day cannot. However, thinking about it later I realized what I missed was trust. Knowing that no matter what happened they would be there for you, that the other person was not perfect but that they would be there and hold you in their arms. That they could make you feel special and just made you completely happy to be who you are. A total and complete blind faith that that person would NEVER hurt you. This is how I felt towards another human being. And having that feeling ripped away from me was the most devastating thing to ever happen to me. The point is that I loved a human the way I should have been LOVING GOD. That I trusted a mere man to always be there for me, to NEVER hurt me. Even if you love a person you still can hurt them, even if your married for a 10000 years you still hurt the people you love at times. So in loving a man the way I should have been loving God, it hurt so much worse when reality hit. All I could do was cry when I realized I did not trust God to truly love me.
You would think it would be easy to love God, and trust him, but It is SOOO Hard. I struggle every day. So this song I need a Father really makes us see who is COMPLETE LOVE, he gives us what we need when we need it. My heart was and always will be crying out because this world is so full of things that hurt, wound, and scare us. I have come a long way since getting my Pride crushed and a piece of my soul ripped away from me, and I honestly just realized the other day why I hurt for so long. I love learning about myself I love becoming closer to God through my mistakes and through his words. My life is nowhere near perfect and neither am I but I can love God.

Thinking

2010-03-29T12:45:00.000-07:00

I am sitting here waiting for class to start. I am thinking about how and why I make the decisions I do. I have familly dinner this sat with my family who i am fighting with. I feel like it is all my fault and that I am this person, who is buring all these bridges because I feel its more important for people to know how I feel than for people to tell me how I should feel. Why am I upset about that? I know that I could have handled the situation better but I also I know I was not wrong is saying what I said. But maybe that is the problem, maybe i am just outright wrong sometimes. I am trying to understand this why my cousin would tell me to go fuck myself, why I am not a person who people can trust their kids aroud. I have dont the put yourself in their shoes thing. Something identical like this has happened to me before, I have been the one who's mom has been attacked. And i have also had the opportunity to be the one doing the "Attacking" and still I can not see why she reacted the way she did.

What I am most mad about it the fact that I am scared to go to my own family dinner, like SCARED. Like pt of my stomach, dread feeling scared. Aww i know i was right, but would i be feeling this way if I was right?

Random??? I think Not.

2010-02-24T23:57:00.000-08:00

It has been a strange day. The last few weeks’ things have been happening, which is to be expected as things always happen day to day when you are living your life. Although, those trivial things that happen to us that do not seem to mean anything, or they usually do not mean anything, well lately they have started to mean something. Or is it that I have just started paying attention to the things that happen around me?

A few weeks ago I wanted to go to the doctors because well, my ear was really hurting. So I go to the doctors anyways, when I get there I am informed that I do not have health insurance. Well let me tell you, I was right pissed off, and worried. How can I not have health insurance? So anyways I go home and I call the people and apparently they had been mailing me things but I never got ONE thing in the mail so they cancelled my insurance. So If I wanted to see the doctor I had to pay, and I have no clue how much it costs to see a doctor. And I said to her, well what happens if I get into an accident? So anyways she mailed me the papers so I can re-apply and as it happens I need my T4 from 2009 and I don't have them all yet so I have to wait until I get them all which I still have not done so I can not apply for my health insurance still. I am honestly still waiting to apply for my insurance.

Amazingly enough today I wanted to sleep in and work on my psychology project that is due Friday, so I did. There are two ways that I can get to the school the highway, or Glenmore. Now even though it was a bit rainy and snowy I wanted to take Glenmore, but I knew I should have gone the highway (which would have required me to be in the left lane not the right lane) but I just did not want too. And If I had gone into the left hand turning lane instead of staying in the right hand lane all this would not have happened. It’s funny how my wanting to be a rebel and go through Glenmore even though it was snowy and I knew I should just drive the highway caused all this. If you are ever going to get into an accident this is the perfect one. You never see it coming, then wam! Then it is all over and the gentleman that hits you takes 110% of the blame. I feel sorry for the guy I’m so cute and little, imagine hitting me, and me having never been in an accident before having no idea what to do. Poor guy! Anyways there was over 1200$ damage to my car and it is going to take at least 3 days in the shop to fix. Now all this was figured out and everything a mere 8 hours after it happened. Talk about the best accident ever. But my neck hurts like a SOB and I don't have health insurance to go to the doctor. And I am aware that CIBC will pay for it, but still, this is just stupid.

I have been thinking a lot about my friend Chelsey lately, and how she is doing living in Vancouver, wondering if her life is fun and exciting. Anyways I was walking downtown today, which I NEVER EVER do, and there she was. She is just here for a few days seeing a friend of hers, and it is insane that I even saw her. I don't know what this has to do with anything but I feel like it is important.
There are a lot of things in my life that I have no control over, wait I have NO control over my life. I am going to school and I have no idea what I want to do with my life, and I know I am not the only one. However, I am 20 I should have some semblance of a plan. I do not know if I want to be a social worker, I don't know what I want to do. I want to go places though, I want to help people, I want to talk about suicide, sex trade, depression, and mental disorders. I want to learn about all these things because I am passionate about them! I want to inform other people about these things because they are important and prevalent in our society!

I also want to become a person, I want to have a life, I want to meet people and date people. I want to be like someone my age. I want to be able to learn from experience not from just what I read in books or what other people tell me. I want to find somewhere that I belong, but I have given up and I have not even started. That is the thing about me, I am all or nothing.

Yo Blog!

2010-02-19T14:28:00.000-08:00

Alright since all I have been doing for the last 2 days is writting essay i am going to quickly update you all.
My window is open blowing in the freshest cool air ever, i think it is the only thing keeping me awake!! Its been so noce here that its just a bummer i have not done anything durring my reading break and It feels like i have not done any homework. I procrastanated....and sooo I am not going to work tomorrow, and am going to be hardcore communications and womenstudies till death do I part.

Okay since the only thing I do I school I'll tell you a bit about it.
Womens studies, well its more like gender studies and I LOVE IT! Its so amazing to learn these things! And the fact that I am actually learning is super cool!

English, blah all we do is read books and talk about them.

Communications, there is a lot of diction to wrap my mind around and some obsqure (Sp?? to lazy to check) topics that I find hard to explain, but other than that I really enjoy the class

Lastly PSYCOLOGY!!! im going to effing DIE! or fail, I hate that class sooo bad! man alive, I dont know what to do!

Other than that nothing is very exciting in my life. Work BAh, I think that I want a new job, although I would rather have no job or win the lottery....However, I do not think that that will happen sooooo here is to hoping!

I have a new thing for old school movies. Casablanca, a streetcar named desire, i am going to watch Dr.Zchavolgo? AGain ignore my horrid spelling.

I am scrapboooking A lot as well its crazy abnd I love it even though I dont have the time, but I do it anyways. YIKES. Okay i am working myself up into an anxiety fit because I have sooo much to do and NO time.

Sooo consider yourselves alll updated.

And Im eating meat again heheh
Love you all!

Happy New Year!

2010-01-01T15:21:00.001-08:00

Well another year is gone, and I am pretty sure this was the best new years ever! Goodbye 2009, I cant wait to see what 2010 has to offer, besides the gay olympics.

Love

Not Nephew, Nephew

2009-12-30T01:06:00.000-08:00

I think you should know I am pissed. I am going to be pissed for a while, and I dont know if I want to get over it. Because if I'm not pissed than the emotions that I will be feeling will be to damn depressing. I am going to stand under my banner of avoidance on the whole not nephew, nephew thing for a while, or forever. I am so angry about the whole thing right now that I cant sleep, I'm not feeling any compassion, which I am big on, you know feeling the compassion or whatever. But this whole thing is just stupid and should not have happend. It makes me mad that I have to suffer because other people in this world cant be responsible, because others cant think before they act and just dont care about what exactly it is they are doing. Every action has a consequence, and if you are older than 10 you should know that. People should just grow up, people should think about others, people should think about what their poor decision making is going to do to their lives. And if you choose to do something, DO IT, dont just stand around waiting for everything else to "fall into place", once you make a choice you still have to work at it. So I am telling you people, to 1) THINK DAMN IT!! 2)Make EDUCATED decisions 3)Grow Up and accept the world for what it is, a damn freaky place.

Peace, Love, Joy,and Happiness.
Bahhhh

Its CHRISTmas

2009-12-25T13:44:00.000-08:00

Well Merry CHRISTMAS ALL!!

I cant believe that we are here again, every year just seems to fly by faster than the last. This Year has been so insane for me, but I think that this christmas has made me really greatful for all the things that I have. I had a pretty big breakdown yesterday...I thought that this would just be the worst day ever. My brother and I hade a fight, again..it seems to be the only thing that we do these days, and I prayed and prayed and prayed, that my family would come together today and we would get along. And this morning, it happend, we were all greatful and happy. So thank you Lord. I also got to have lunch with my best friend travis and then spend the afternoon with my other bestfriend SHYLA who I have not seen since september. And as per usualy I spent christmas eve at my aunts house. It was just a beautiful night. There was pictinary, and laughter and just being with people that I loved and there is nothing better than that in the intire world. So HURRAY!!

And thanks Friends for being here for me this year I love you all sooo MUCH!

Where do I go from here...

2009-12-11T21:13:00.001-08:00

Today I bought this book "In the meantime" By Rob Brendle and so far I am really enjoying it! The entire reason I bought it is because im at the point of my life that is the "meantime". I have fianally decided what direction I am taking in school, academics are the way that I am going to go. I always sold myself short, I stop dreaming because I thought I would never get there anyways so why try. I was just scared, scared to fail not just my family and myself but god. I also know i'm scared because I cant say I have heard the voice of god telling me to go in this directin. And I think because of that, I am teriffied that i will fail, because deep down I know that I cant do this without god. It feels like at this point it feels like looking across Niagara falls and knowing i have to get to the other side and the only way across is to swim. Truly as I write this I have hope stirring inside of me. I want to fight, I want to be pushed, I want to get out there. I dont want to be another person I just want to discover the parts of me that I have hidden deep down inside, the parts that I dont ever dust off and spit shine. I dont want to be standing on the shore forever I want to make something of my life i want to be someone that others can come to for help, I want to give compassion to people who have not felt it in to long, I want to see people suceed. Why i want these things are for many reasons some selfish, some not but I know one reason for sure. I want these things for others because I want these things for myself; I know how hard it is to get out of a rut. Hell, im still in my rut, and I dont think we can just expect that one day everything will just fall into our laps. And if do think that we are just fooling ourselves. Our lives are meant to be lived, the little things really do matter, all those little things add up to bigger ones and then wham one day we are where we were called to be. But how do we live through the little things without giving up hope without getting in a rut and staying there. What do we do with our "meantime" time. First we DONT give up, we dont roll over and cry ourselves to sleep, apparently we have to work for what we want, god says knock and the door will be opened, but what makes you think that the walk to the door is all rainbows and butterflies, heck no! It’s all uphill, we have to work for what we want or we dont just not appreciate it but we also dont understand it. When life is handed to you on a silver platter, and then all of a sudden you get this rusty old platter giving you moldy food you KNOW this cant be right. BUT people what DO we know? When are we ever right?
I have run into so many walls that I think my head is swollen to the size of china. I WANT TO CONTROL EVERYTHING. I WANT. I WANT. I WANT. Even though I love living my life for others I still have to take the time and live it for me. As you can see when I live it for me it turns into just me, and it should not be just me living for me, it should be me living for me in a GODLY way. I find the more that I try and control everything the more stressed I get the more worried I get and the more I lose control. God loves me he wants to see me fulfill my purpose, but I HAVE TO GET OUT OF THE WAY.
How do we get out of the way? How do I relinquish the control that makes me feel like I have it together for a little while? Why would I want to give up control to a god who can make anything happen? What happens if I give up control and then he does something I don’t like? What happens then? I think that I would turn away from god, so it would seem that ignoring what he wants but still having him in my life is better than him being not in my life at all. Why though am I thinking about these things, why would I give up god because he does something I don’t like? I have a couple words, PRIDE and FEAR. Here is a definition of pride that I found…”Pride is the cultivation, preservation or exalting of self. It is a protecting of self. Pride is commitment to self. It is building up ourselves in our own eyes or in the eyes of others. Pride is an excessive belief in one's superiority, worth, merit” You see how many times the word self comes up in that definition? Sometimes in this world all we have seems to be self! For me looking at this definition, I am scared, I have never thought of myself as being a prideful person, but man am I ever! Whew, I’m pretty sure I am going to cry for a second here, I am more important to myself than god, I want people to see me as their god. Wow, I really need to look into myself and change this, because I don’t think I can really help people if the only thing I am really thinking about is me. I think a lot of people would run away from god because they fear what he would think of them, and they fear actually having to live life for god, when living for god in this day and age is not only hard, but makes a lot of people judge you.
Its easier to ignore god than do what he wants us too, so we block him out, we say we want to know him but we don’t do anything to try to know him. To know him takes work its not easy to be a child of god. It’s not easy to walk the less traveled road, but its not impossible. Our father loves us so much that he GAVE us each a purpose; he gave us each something special to do. HE has plans for us, and because we can’t comprehend what exactly they are we run, we hide, be burry our heads under the sand, and DON’T pray we don’t commune because we don’t understand. Then we get all mad because nothing is going right and Jesus MUST not love me anymore. There is a LONG list of things that we don’t do, but when do we stop using fear as an excuse to NOT live our lives. I know that I want a life that is lived fully with god in it. So no more running and no more hiding, no more excuses because they will not get us anywhere! My life is not perfect, I’m so far from perfect or put together, that I am ashamed. I have made promises, I have written words, I have sang songs, and I DON’T want it all to be a show anymore. I don’t want to feel like I am using god to get what I want out of him (not that I could). I want it for real I want it because in my heart I know it’s true, I want god’s word engraved upon my heart into my very soul. I want something more from life because frankly this earthy world is nowhere as amazing as god’s world.

Happy thoughts

2009-12-09T23:45:00.000-08:00

I made it through my teens and let me tell you that I am happy about it.

So I think that It is time to do some reflecting on 2009. I started my year dancing and hanging out with my bestfriend. That was a good start to the year. I dont think that anyone can have a perfect year, and that there is always more time to grow, and so i am happy with this year. I am proud of myself for living on my own, going to school, being in a chior, buying a car. But I know that I could have done things better, I know that I could have been a better friend and person. As I already said there is always room to grow, but I know there is no excuse for hiding instead of growing. Fear held me back a lot this year, sometimes it would feel like I made this big breakthough, and I would but then a week later, my motivation would be gone. So now I just know the things that I have to work on. Now I know that the regrets will start pilling up if i dont live my life, i can feel it like a pressure that will break me, so I pray that this year I can make all the improvements I need to and be a bettter person, for my friends, myself, and God.

Stand Up.

2009-11-27T23:17:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I just don't want to be around people. Sometimes the thought of just stepping out of my front door and going somewhere is so draining, and not to mention depressing. Seclusion, I guess you could just say I’m an introvert, although for those of you who know who I am would understand that is a huge LIE.

I love to stay in read books, watch movies, and watch tv shows. I like watching and reading about other people’s lives because it so much more simple to pick apart others lives than deal with our own. I’m so used to always having someone right there to talk to when I need it and now, now I feel like I have to go to Calgary or Vancouver to talk to a friend who really gets me. Sometimes I just need a friend who understands me, a friend who will willingly put up with my sometimes dramatic and superficial bull shit. When I get so stressed and I want to just go somewhere! What do I do when I have nowhere to go, and sometimes it feels like no one cares. People that you know for your whole life, they get you; it’s amazing how hard it is to meet real friends after high school, hell after elementary school. I don't know the right things to say, or what to wear, even if I knew where these cool places to hang out were.

Maybe I don't want to leave my house because I know it will be hard. Going out and meeting people makes you vulnerable, makes you feel naked. I never had that naked in front of your entire high school dream, but why dream about it when you have to FEEL like it every time you walk into a room. It seems irrational considering the fact that the first time I meet people they seem to love me, but the second time, I don't know I must act different or something. Nothing like people thinking that you are so different from that person they met at that party, umm of course I’m different, I’m sober now. Or when people first meet me they think I’m a total air head, I cannot tell you how many people are amazed that I have ohhh I don't know, ORIGINAL thoughts zooming around behind my skull. Or are all these things that I only see, is it my own insecurities making me find faults in everyone else because I’m too scared to face all the faults I see in myself?

I mean let’s face it, we all don't like things about ourselves, but how many people don't leave their houses because of it? How many people rise above, how many people just get the hell over what other people think? How in the world does someone go about doing that? And why, why, why, do we make life MORE complicated than it already is. This day I have no answers to any of my questions, this day I have no happy thoughts, this day I did not leave my house. And it sucks that I did not do any of the following, it sucks that I watched someone else’s FAKE life instead of living my life, this life I have been given. Motivation, its hard to be motivated when you feel like you are all alone in this world. I want some answers and I want to get out of bed, because I do need to shower, but it seems too late. Just too damn late.

Lets talk Greys.

2009-11-22T20:34:00.000-08:00

I dont know if you know this about me but I LOVE GREYS ANATOMY. I am very obsessive about the whole thing. I have all the seasons, and know everything about everyone. I cant explain it really, its the only show I have ever loved this much. I am a die HARD. So I am going to talk to you all about how I feel about what is going on now.

First they KILLED GEORGE, who by the freaking way was my FAVORITE person on the show. Apparently some shizzz went down with the writers and instead of just writing him OUT of the show they wrote George O'malley out of the WORLD. How they could do this to him I will never know. I loved the 5th season of greys I just wish there had been more of Georges spark and swagger in this season.

Another reason why I am so sad is that I am a GEORGE and IZZY die hard. I CANT believe that Alex and Izzy got married. Like come on, I am a little miffed at the writers because even if it’s in izzys personality to fall in love with everyone, alex is not, and therefore it is not fair for alex. I mean come on people I am still holding out for alex and Addison, I think they would be a GREAT couple. I miss Alex's frat boi attitude. The scrapper the hidden nice guy, the confidence that he had, then izzy had to ruin him. She is toxic I swear she does that to every man she Loves...makes them love her then they die, denny, george! alex is pretty much dead inside! I want alex back, hes so sad and pathetic, i feel for him, a little.

The one thing that I am happy for is mer and der. Finally they are together and the writers say FOREVER. So we know no matter what happens at the end of the day they will live on forever, in marital bliss. I want to see more mer though, the show is about her, and the last few episodes other than her having to deal with the chiefs drama, has not gotten any time in the OR. They say that Mer is an amazing surgeon, but we never see her doing any surgeries. I want a Mer plot line, but I also want her to be doing what this show is about medicine. As for Derek, I am very happy with all this plot lines lately, its all very good, I honestly have never had any problems with Dereks Character, He's McDreamy, with the Fab hair, I love him.

Chief, hahah all I can think about is Adel asking Bailey if she was having an affair with the chief. haha as if Chief is having an affair with the VODKA bottle, talk about a dark and twisty path ahead for Chief. When he said he had situational alcoholism, I could not believe Mer "fell" for that. Really chief you better watch out, there is trouble coming your way.

The Mercy Westers, hmmm it seems like there is really only one left, Doctor Avery.....he's like the new Alex, but soooooooo much more sexy. So much more so that I have "Mc'd" him....I dont know what to Mc him yet though. I want him to get with someone, but there is no one for him to get with, damn, I guess we wont get to see him with HIS shirt off. Ahh I dont know what the other guys name is, McBASTARD, is what I will call him, I dont know why I hate him I just do, it might be a little because he was an ass to iz even if I really dont like her right now. And McBITCH, how I loathe her, the way she looks at Alex, try it girl and every woman in America would kill you! haha

Bailey, well it was for sure interesting to meet her father, I was sad when he was an ass. But I was even more sad that it took Bailey soooo long to stand up for herself. At the beginning of the season I was REALLY worried about Bailey, I mean the first episode i think she said like 3 sentences, it was intense i thought she was going to snap! But it seems that she is much better now, and her almost kiss with Sam Bennet (tay diggs) from Private..I dont know how I feel about that I just cant see Bailey sleeping with anyone but tucker, but i think It would be good for her character.

Little Grey, she is AMAZING I really really really LOVE her, Lexipedia, and McSteamy, talk about a great couple. Although Sloan having a 18 yr old daughter, who is none the less Prego, that is for sure going to cause a stir! I know that lexie and Mark should be together forever, sooooo here’s to hoping it lasts.

Owen, Cristina, and .....TEDDY! wow that my friends was a TWIST I was not looking forward too! I was soooo Proud of Owen when he told Teddy that he was sorry but he loved Cristina and that was that. talk about an intense moment. I'm not going to lie but I was SOOO freaking out watching that scene....and Cristina she amazes me still her character is always growing and I am truly, truly happy with that. Even in the 4th season she did not need a man to make her plot line interesting and for some of the characters (izzy) you either need a man or cancer to make us want to watch a scene with you in it.

Dont get me wrong Katherine Heigel is an EPIC actress and as a person she seems GREAT but man I am so disappointed with how she is dealing with alex. That’s all I know what to say about that. Her I need to save everyone, and blah blah blah is starting to get to me.

Arizona and Callie, wow man I Love them. I was not to thrilled when they introduced a gay couple into the show, but they are a good couple. I was SOOOO worried about callie for a while there! I think this is really the first time she has been truly happy since she came on the show in season 2. Arizona, she makes me so happy, she is not only a GREAT actress like EVERYONE on this show, but her character reminds me of everyday people. The way she is with all her patients is amazing, she is the perfect person for callie, I love the episode when it was her birthday, we really got to see an deeper part of callie and arizonas relationship and I found myself wanting MORE.
That’s what I love about Greys It keeps you coming back for more, and more, and more. It makes you laugh, cry, and stomp up and down yelling at the tv. I dont know about you but Greys in all its glory makes my week!!

Love.

2009-11-21T20:21:00.000-08:00

Everyone on this planet wants love. I swear when I am feeling down and hating on myself I say "Nobody is EVER going to love me!". We equate everything to being loved, like its the only thing that even matters in this world. But LOVE?!?! What is love anyways, is it the same for everyone? Is it just love is ______ fill in the blank?

I can tell you what TV, books, movies, music they tell us love is one of two things. Sex, and Romance. HA. Honestly I open a book and I don’t really get interested unless there is two people who are made for each other that cant and should not be together, but somehow they face all their obstacles and are together forever. Love, that’s what pulls people in, it’s what makes people dream at night, wish on stars and hope that their prince charming is going to show up tomorrow. TALK ABOUT FALSE HOPE! Its horrifying how many teenage girls have their heads in the clouds about love, men and sex. I should know, I was one of those crazy teens. It’s like we think the only love that actually means anything is romantic love, the kind that makes your heart beat fast and makes you laugh at really lame jokes. There has to be more to love than that, because if there is not I am giving up now.

I was watching being Erica a few weeks ago, when there was some infidelity going down pretty hard core. I knew that it was going to happen, but for some reason I did not care! Hey maybe I though they will fall in love and everyone will live happily ever after...(Maybe I am still one of those head in the cloud teenagers) but the plain and simple fact is that I was letting the act of infidelity not matter because MAYBE they could fall in love and then it would not matter. WHO AM I KIDDING? Where and why did I ever get this notion into my head, I would have my husband’s head on a stick if he ever cheated on me, love or no love ITS WRONG. The thought of that unattainable goal of having someone love us, even if it’s wrong even if it does not last, the thought that maybe this could be it true love, real love, what I have been missing since I married my ass hole of a husband maybe this is love. Are we really ready to pin our lives our very SOULS on the IDEA that maybe he might love me...omg who are we kidding here. Everywhere we go people tell us sex is love, or more or less you have to separate sex and love. Well how do you go about that how do you go about separating the two things that are love when they happen. Making love, sex, what’s the difference? For some people there is no difference, so they choose their partner/s carefully. Some go into it thinking there is going to be sex followed by love only to get their hearts broken. Others they go into it thinking that sex is sex, just some release that one needs, but they do pay for it later in life, some more than others, but multiple partners leave multiple marks on your heart, and if they don’t then you don’t love yourself enough.

Loving yourself, now that is a tricky thing to do considering that we are our own worst critics. We look at ourselves in the mirror and think, man I’m looking fat today, damn another pimple, or I’m so ashamed of myself what kind of person am I. Things that eat at our soul until it seems like there is nothing left. Since we can’t find love in ourselves we look for it in other ways, food, drugs, eating disorders, sex. These things are all so destructive and make us HATE ourselves even more than we already do. Everything starts in the mind. Thinking on it now LOVE is such a universal topic love can concur all, love can overcome barriers, love never fails, love can make a change in you, love can save you. But where do you find the right kind of love, how do you really know that it is real, that it is healthy. First you have to love yourself before finding any kind of meaningful love. How do you love yourself one might ask, and trust me I ask myself that a lot! I find looking at myself in the mirror and saying you know what, I love myself. I LOVE MYSELF, I love my pimple, and my mistakes because they are a part of me, they are what makes me, me! At first it seems a bit ridiculous, then like you are a bit full of yourself, but then when it starts to take hold you get it and you feel better and people notice. I honestly can’t tell you what happens after that, but I know that you make better choices, because they are your choices not the choices of a broken soul searching for something so insanely illusive, that you will do anything to feel love.

The love of another person like a parent or sibling, does help shape our lives, it determines how we love others and how we except love from others. How we see our parents love each other is how we learn to love others romantically. It’s really amazing, we don't really have much choice in how we learn to love others, but we do have a choice in who we love though. People say that you can’t help who you love, but really? I think that you can. Love should not be so painful that you want to kill yourself, because that’s not love, that’s just selfishness. I think that if your love is not being returned in the way that you’re giving it then why bother loving them till your heart bleeds or whatever? Why waste your time on something that is not meant to be. Sorry people again this is not a movie, if the man does not admit he wants to be with you, chances are he does not. AND IT’S OKAY! At the time it hurts like hell, it can make you never want to love again, it can make you want to cry all the time or become a lesbian, love stinks. AND IT’S OKAY! Its not great or fabulous but it’s OKAY. We live to love again.

Do you remember the first grade? Remember learning to share, play nice, and all that good stuff? Well if not, I am here to remind you. Kiddies we are going back to first grade except with higher brain power. We may not feel loved at times, but we sure as hell can love. We can share our love, play nice with the haters, and eat candy till we puke! I always think that since I don't feel loved at times that I can make up by loving everyone in excess. If love is the most dominant feeling, or action in our society then there has GOT to be a lot of it. And we should want to share it, because if you have ever been loved in any way, sharing the feeling with others could be your entire life’s calling. Seriously people we were called to love!

Love, we can love because we were first loved. Hmmm that puts something in perspective, there is a love out there that won’t make your heart bleed, won’t ever be weakened by our stupid mistakes, a love that will never fail. It truly makes me able to love people all the time because of God’s great and constant example. I can look into that mirror and tell myself that I love myself! Now when I say I love you Lyndsay grace I know that my father is right there beside me saying well it’s about damn time you love yourself I have loved you since the beginning of time, and will love you forever more. How can we not love others when we have a father who loves us that much, a father that won’t hold us back but will hold us up, and a father who forgives when we think we should not be forgiven.

Giving love to others without strings, giving love to people who just need it, is a beautiful thing. I have had SO much love in my life that I cannot be happy unless I’m showing people the kind of love that I have been given. There are so many dimensions so many levels of love that I cannot even put them into words. But for me I am sure that love is a sacrifice. Love is knowing that you may not get what you want out of helping people, but life is not all about us, and if we cannot learn to give even though we know we are not going to get something out of it then we cant really understand god. Not that we could ever really grasp god in our little minds but that seems like a HUGE theme of Jesus’ life. Love is an action and a decision, love is something that we choose to do because we CAN, we have feelings for a reason, we are not here on this earth to ignore who we are and what we feel. Seeing someone smile because I helped them is better than sex and romance its better than someone telling me they love me! Love is not some fuzzy thing that you feel inside (well not 100% of the time!) it’s about being willing to do whatever it takes, because when its love REAL love there is no wrong.

Truth.

2009-11-19T23:11:00.000-08:00

I am currently listing to the song defying gravity, over and over and over again. Its a truly beautiful song. If you dont have the Glee soundtrack DO IT NOW.

Truth. What is about the word that makes me want to bury my head under the sand. The truth is something that we are all so scared to say, so scared to feel and defiantly scared to learn. The truth hurts 99.9 percent of the time, and I cant understand why. Why should the truth hurt, why should telling someone the real feelings you have hurt them. Is it because we expect people to fit into the nice and neat little boxes we put them into? Would life really be better if everyone stayed in their little boxes and never come out. They say the truth will set you free, but I cant really see that. It seems like it traps us, especially when you are the one faced with telling the truth about something. Coming clean, telling someone that you did something to hurt them because you were to selfish to just stop and think about what you were doing. But it would seem that the guilt of not telling them could fester and make life pretty tough. Sometimes its not the truth that is terrifying its the fact that you could be wrong. The whole well they dont deserve this and I do so im just going to live my entire life without speaking without accepting responsibility. That could be it right there, being responsible, accepting that you did something that was not honest. Its truth not just to the person you hurt but to yourself. When you are too ashamed to tell the truth, when it hurts too bad to confess because you actually have to accept that you were not right, and that its time to put someone above yourself above what you think is right and just do the right thing. It’s scary being wrong hey? But let’s face it were pretty much always wrong.
The TRUTH, it breaks us, it burns us, but it also opens out eyes to the bigger world that's out there the bigger picture that we as humans will never be able to see. I know that I am struggling with the truth all the time. It’s hard to turn on the news, or talk to your friends, when there are truths ugly truths flying all over the place.
The truth about me, who I really am and the truths about my family are hard to accept and deal with. The truth is scary to me because I cant stand the fact that this world is not perfect, happy, easy or fun most of the time. I recall a day not so far back that I ran crying into my aunts arms asking where are the rainbows, butterflies and DONT forget the unicorns! When and why did life get so hard? Family, you live with them, they raise you, you talk to them all the time, and yet we don't really ever know the truth about who they are. I don't know if i can face that fact. How can you face the fact that your brother is a total moron, or is that just me and my opinion? When you love a person so much you just shut out the truth and refuse to believe it. It’s easier to believe a lie than the truth, even if it is yelling in your face. The ugly truth it seems to do a lot of yelling in your face, it likes so make you lose sleep and wish it would just turn into rainbows and butterflies.
But HOW long can someone really not accept the truth, how long can Ibury my head under the sand about the people who I, ME, have put into these little boxes. But then is it really wrong to hold your friends and family to a certin standard? Should we not expect our families and friends to be honest, and responsible? Should we not trust our people? Becuase without trust there is not love, and who trusts a lier? Some people like me just don't really want to believe that this world really is a horrible place, full of monsters and manipulators. How do you get to the point of acceptance? When do we get out heads out from under the sand and take a breath of fresh air? When, where, why and how? Are we really better people when we see the worst in the world? Can anyone keep a sense of humor with all the murder, rapes and genicide in the world? Yes you can because people make their own choices, people choose everyday, and thats what god gave us above everything else choice, thats why our world is what it is. Truth I choose to see, give and understand. Even if I dont believe it will set me free, I know that it will...
Miss.Grace